Motherhood. What can I say?! This has come to be a very broad and general statement to me. Can’t quite put my finger on it. I’ve been screamed at, pooped on, laughed at, peed on, laughed at, nipple tugged, laughed at! It’s basically kicking my ass left and right! The joys definitely outweigh the bad but I’ve never been mandated to something ever in my life…..well there was that one time I was…another post!
My son is my heart, I have never been so in love with someone so intensely. I mean, my heart pulls and jumps when I hear him breathe and I cringe when he cries. Honestly, I hate the crying.
I feel guilty at times feeling like I could run away right now when he has the breathtaking cries and nothing consoles him. Patience. I pray for it and I am tested with it everyday. I know I’ll get there….with time.
This is a love that I will never have twice!!
I don’t think anyone told me the day to day — no minute to minute duties of being a mother. THEY DIDN’T TELL ME!!!
I definitely get the biggest help from Sage’s Dad but it doesn’t compare with all the emotions that come with, such as my constant innate reminder of him all day, of his well being when we’re apart or together, what’s he thinking, feeling?
Am I doing the right thing or should I have done this differently?
Will he throw this is in my face how I’ve taught him, disciplined him?
Will he love me just as unconditionally as I do him?
Will he be proud to call me Mama?!?!
I’ve never felt so inadequate and insecure by someone ever in life. I think at times I may be afraid of him and his love for me honestly!
I don’t want to disappoint him.
But, it will happen because I’m human. It’s emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Some days I cry. Some days I scream. Most days I cry, lol! Big ol’ ugly tears hunty!
What did I get myself into?
Should I have waited longer?
Was I really ready?
Why didn’t anyone tell me this?
But I give myself that moment of whatever I’m feeling, put on my big girl panties and sunglasses to hide the puffiness and redness and I keep it moving shawty!! There is a fighting and winning spirit I have that keeps me at it! I will never completely conquer motherhood but I’m damn sure gonna give it my best.
At the end of the day all I can say to my son is, “But did you die?” HA! No!! But I almost did.
We’re going to make it and we promise to keep him a happy little kid with no worries! As much as I go through in a day from one emotion to a spectrum of another emotion in a minute, the craziness, laughter, sadness– I still can’t wait to get home and hug that little one. To see him smile, like Mommy it’s okay!!! It’s addictive, the same little person that causes me to feel all sorts of ways is the only one that can soothe me!
I’m not complaining, just explaining!!
Now I see…..
They DID tell me I just didn’t listen!!